The late author, scholar, and activist, Maya Angelou, has been quoted as saying, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” How do we come to “know better” about our emotions so we can “do better”? We need to understand that our inner peace is related to things like boundaries with ourselves and others, as well as learning how to logically respond rather than impulsively react when we become emotionally charged. After we become emotionally charged, it takes approximately six seconds for that signal to go from our emotional part of the brain to the logical/reasoning part of the brain. If we can resist the urge to immediately REACT to someone who we feel has hurt us or angered us by engaging in the “Six Second Rule,” we can manage the emotions we are feeling with logical thought instead of raw emotion.

The “Six Second Rule to Emotional Regulation” is simple. When you become emotionally charged, be it hurt or anger (or any other strong emotion), take a slow, deep breath through your nose, and count to three. Hold for a moment. Then, exhale through your nose slowly, and again, count to at least three as you release your breath. You will still likely be angry or hurt. However, you will likely be more able to thoughtfully respond to the other person instead of emotionally react. You will find the more you practice the “Six Second Rule” every day (even when you are not upset), the easier it will become to tap into that healthy, coping mechanism when you need it. You CAN control your emotions more than you think. When you know how to maintain your composure better and not give your power away to anyone, you really can do better for yourself and protect your inner peace. You do not have to let your emotions control you. You can regulate your emotions by choosing to not allow someone to make you feel anything you do not want to. Might it be difficult to make that change in your brain? Yes, perhaps. However, change is never easy, but it is WORTH it!

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According to author, Nedra Glover Tawaab, “If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.” When you feel drained by someone else’s energy, that is a good sign you need to re-evaluate the relationship with that person. It may mean that you are giving too much of yourself, or your time, or your energy when you really do not want to. When we do that, we become resentful and even emotionally drained, in part because we may be outgrowing that particular relationship. During re-evaluation and reflection of the relationship that emotionally drains us, we may discover the person has not changed or grown in the same way we have. Therefore, it is our responsibility to recognize how we are feeling and to decide how we want to communicate with that person or how we want to allow them to show up in our lives.

Boundaries also means letting people know how we feel and not giving in to justifying our decisions and not giving in to the urge of explaining why we have made the choices or decisions we have made. For example, your cousin invites you to his house for a card night, but you know your cousin drinks too much in social situations, and it makes you uncomfortable. You feel obligated to accept the invitation, because you do not want your cousin to be mad at you, but you get a sinking feeling in your gut by accepting the invitation. That sinking feeling comes from going against what you really want. It is okay to decline invitations from family. It is okay to say to your cousin, “Thanks for the invite, but I won’t be making it this weekend. Hope you have a good time.” You do not owe anyone any further explanation of why you declined the invitation. We are allowed to make decisions that best suit our emotional and mental health, even if people try to use tactics like obligation or guilt to try and make us change our mind.

Setting healthy boundaries is not an easy thing to do, especially if we are not used to doing it. When we start setting boundaries, others around us may not like it at first. However, when we start setting healthy boundaries with ourselves and with those around us, we feel more empowered and more in control of our own happiness and our own life which breeds the good stuff—inner peace.

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